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1. ill be coming off of 7 days of not drinking.
i havent been this sober since i was in the womb
2. thats what im here for
im literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences
3. grape juice and vodka is NOT wine
4. im full of champagne and rage of course im showing up at his house
5. dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit but dont lemme have antmore
[...or just text her!]
i havent been this sober since i was in the womb
2. thats what im here for
im literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences
3. grape juice and vodka is NOT wine
4. im full of champagne and rage of course im showing up at his house
5. dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit but dont lemme have antmore
[...or just text her!]
Edited 2021-04-19 21:44 (UTC)
1. Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon.
2. Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink in peace.
3. We are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
4. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
[ or text him ]
2. Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink in peace.
3. We are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
4. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
[ or text him ]
1. He said I was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade A bitch. Quite complimentary really!
2. Can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? You know what, nvm I want to be surprised.
3. I'm at the casino and some guy apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. It's like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
4. Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a jerk and some people find it endearing.
[Or text him!!!]
2. Can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? You know what, nvm I want to be surprised.
3. I'm at the casino and some guy apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. It's like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
4. Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a jerk and some people find it endearing.
[Or text him!!!]
Edited 2021-04-19 21:46 (UTC)
some people are into that
so go for it whoever you are
so go for it whoever you are
1. So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
2. So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean.
3. Everything that you all said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
4 (THIS IS SPECIFICALLY DRUNK DOUMAN). i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
[or text him!!]
2. So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean.
3. Everything that you all said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
4 (THIS IS SPECIFICALLY DRUNK DOUMAN). i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
[or text him!!]
1. I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, I just know I woke up covered in dried blood. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
2. But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
3. Secondly, that golf club is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
[or, you know, just text 'im]
2. But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
3. Secondly, that golf club is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
[or, you know, just text 'im]
1. I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
2. you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey!
3. The only coherent words in the 6 texts i received were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
4. He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride, really.
5. My good Great Liangese morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes.
6. Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want
2. you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey!
3. The only coherent words in the 6 texts i received were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
4. He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride, really.
5. My good Great Liangese morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes.
6. Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want
1. so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
2. I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
3. .......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
4. My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
[Or text him???]
2. I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
3. .......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
4. My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
[Or text him???]
1. Oh, good! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
2. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
3. Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
4. It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and bad timing to cause destruction wherever I go...
5. You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
6. I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
2. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
3. Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
4. It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and bad timing to cause destruction wherever I go...
5. You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
6. I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Edited (my typos) 2021-04-19 22:09 (UTC)
1. Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
2. Let's just pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
3. On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
4. Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother or embarrass him.
5. We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them"...
2. Let's just pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
3. On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
4. Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother or embarrass him.
5. We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them"...
1. Someone just told me I smell like bad decisions.
2. This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Heart.
3. He was really drunk so I told him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. He couldn't. Hey, did you know testicles can burst?
4. I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
[ or text her ]
2. This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Heart.
3. He was really drunk so I told him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. He couldn't. Hey, did you know testicles can burst?
4. I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
[ or text her ]
1.
An open call to all exes! I have a drunk text policy that requires I delete any and all texts after drink 3, however I have reason to believe I have done something stupid. If I have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours I was horny and lying. That is all.
2.
I'm reading 50 Shades of Grey and masturbating while he's doing home repairs downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich...
3.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
4.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what I cannot see. Sort of like god.
An open call to all exes! I have a drunk text policy that requires I delete any and all texts after drink 3, however I have reason to believe I have done something stupid. If I have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours I was horny and lying. That is all.
2.
I'm reading 50 Shades of Grey and masturbating while he's doing home repairs downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich...
3.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
4.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what I cannot see. Sort of like god.
1) You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the howling ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
2) There is a child in our citadel, alone, and sitting in the garden making bird noises
3) Can a fish survive in cup of vodka.....?
4) I am quite sure I don’t wish to know but ... Why is there a pool full of jello in the common room?
2) There is a child in our citadel, alone, and sitting in the garden making bird noises
3) Can a fish survive in cup of vodka.....?
4) I am quite sure I don’t wish to know but ... Why is there a pool full of jello in the common room?
i.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
ii.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
iii.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
iv.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
ii.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
iii.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
iv.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
1. I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
2. Let's review the facts: we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we're 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable!
3. He offered, but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the men's room of a gentlemans club.
4. Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
5. My downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding.
2. Let's review the facts: we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we're 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable!
3. He offered, but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the men's room of a gentlemans club.
4. Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
5. My downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding.
1) You have 10 seconds to explain why the bathhouse is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
2) It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you.
3) At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
4) Apparently, I told the mayor Binghe is my trophy wife.
2) It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you.
3) At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
4) Apparently, I told the mayor Binghe is my trophy wife.
[was this a misfire? yea probably
and yet]
this sounds like a story worth hearing ! what happened ?
and yet]
this sounds like a story worth hearing ! what happened ?
1. THAT stays in the ROOM. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the room brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
2. You climbed in a garbage can and said you were "trashed".
3. Potato salad is not a cupcake ingredient.
4. Somebody asked her if she was okay. She turned around, started running, and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins", before doing a small pirouette. It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
5. The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
[text him or maybe don't]
2. You climbed in a garbage can and said you were "trashed".
3. Potato salad is not a cupcake ingredient.
4. Somebody asked her if she was okay. She turned around, started running, and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins", before doing a small pirouette. It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
5. The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
[text him or maybe don't]
i.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
ii.
sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
iii.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
iv.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
ii.
sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
iii.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
iv.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
1. When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
2. There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
3. That is the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
4. He said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear".
5. You asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. You were showing him a baked potato.
2. There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
3. That is the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
4. He said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear".
5. You asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. You were showing him a baked potato.
i.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
ii.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
ii.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
1. Be not ashamed. As the kids say these days: It was youtube-worthy.
2. DHA (docosahexaenoic acid) can help promote the development of brain and nerve tissue.
It can also help prevent memory loss.
3. Text him
2. DHA (docosahexaenoic acid) can help promote the development of brain and nerve tissue.
It can also help prevent memory loss.
3. Text him
i.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
ii.
I'm stranded in a world I don't know. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this... "Applebees."
iii.
I can't talk right now. We are trying to finish our assignment so we can play with play-doh.
iv.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
ii.
I'm stranded in a world I don't know. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this... "Applebees."
iii.
I can't talk right now. We are trying to finish our assignment so we can play with play-doh.
iv.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
1. You should have been there. We threw a sword through his window.
2. Currently bleeding through my dress. Not good. Hospital? No, I am invincible.
3. The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
4. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and I just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept my course.
2. Currently bleeding through my dress. Not good. Hospital? No, I am invincible.
3. The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
4. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and I just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept my course.
you must have thrown it very hard for it to go through the glass !
1.
2.
3.
4.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
2.
six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
3.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
4.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
1. i also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
2. i'm too depressed to drink my wine. that is what I would call a serious problem
3. he was the highest i've ever seen. almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
4. i am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
2. i'm too depressed to drink my wine. that is what I would call a serious problem
3. he was the highest i've ever seen. almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
4. i am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
1. This drink tastes like mosquito repellent
2. Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the kitchen on the first floor
3. Im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year
4. I vaguely remember telling the stairs that they needed to stop moving and that no, I DIDN'T care that they were married, and then nothin
2. Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the kitchen on the first floor
3. Im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year
4. I vaguely remember telling the stairs that they needed to stop moving and that no, I DIDN'T care that they were married, and then nothin
I think the most concerning thing about this message is that you know what mosquito repellent tastes like... are you alright?
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